It's that time again, folks. My assignment from Mama Kat this week goes as follows:
5.) The first time you...
It was tempting to put the story of my first kiss here but I'm not up for embarrassing myself today. I'll just say that I was dense and leave it at that. So instead I chose a day that snowballed events to where they are now.
Most dads consider the first time their child calls them dad or some equivalent one of their landmark moments. I'm no different, even if my moment was unorthodox.
It was Eva's backyard; she, Daybreak, and I were sitting on a blanket in the grass. Me and Eva had our psych notes out quizzing each other, while Daybreak used my back as a steady for her colouring book. I was about to ask her what the signs of sociopathy in children are when Daybreak says clearly, "Papa, can you move? You're not in the Sun."
I froze. Eva looked to the small blond perched on my back. "Daybreak, who are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about Papa."
"Daybreak, I'm not your papa."
She moved to sit down in front of us and tilted her head to the side. "Why not?"
Her mom took up the explanation when I couldn't. "It doesn't work like that Sweetie. Kendall is our friend. "
The first bits of tears were welling up in her eyes. And with every one, my heart hurt just a little bit more.
She looked me in the eye and asked why I didn't want her either. I sat up and hugged her. "I can only be your friend because you deserve a much better papa than me. You deserve the best."
Small arms wrapped around my neck as she started to cry in earnest. I heard her mumble "really?" into my shoulder. Eva was stroking her back and as I was telling Daybreak yes I noticed Eva giving me a strange look.
She ended up crying herself to sleep that afternoon.
That was the middle of April. I was terrified that this little girl adored me so much that she would want me to be her dad. A little tidbit about me folks, I more often think with my heart than my head and I love people quickly. This was no different.
I told Daybreak she deserved better than me. That makes my job simple to figure out.
I have to become better.